my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize
