he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
