Please, let me fuck your mom
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
