A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize
