I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
