Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Randomize
