He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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