Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
