I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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