I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
