Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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