I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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