My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
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