He asked to "fluff my boner.."
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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