You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
