Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
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