You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Randomize
