Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
