omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Randomize