My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
27 Common Occurrences Everyone Can Relate To But No One Talks About
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
21 People Intentionally Did Despicable Things During Sex
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss