I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
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All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
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When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.