I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
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All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
These Are 19 of the Most Horrible Strangers People Had to Sit Next to
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Randomize
