There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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