I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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