I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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