I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
