you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
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