I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I got inside last night via doggy door
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
