So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
My butt remains clenched, sir.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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