I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
