his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Randomize
