hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
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