Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I lost the right to judge tonight
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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