I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
