I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
how does that bad decision feel?
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
