I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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