the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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