I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Randomize
