she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
