i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
