I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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