When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
he thought i was a dude.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
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