I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I pour the whiskey from now on
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
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