The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
Are my feet made of real feet?
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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