I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Randomize
