i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
