I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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