I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
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we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
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