i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Randomize
