I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
Randomize
