Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Small penises have feelings too.
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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