when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
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