Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
Randomize
