No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
