Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Randomize
