I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
