Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Randomize
