So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
My cat gives me a boner
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Randomize
