My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
