then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
