you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Randomize
